Journey of Self Discovery: Nicolette Nierras

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Transcript

Nicolette (00:01.096)
Sir.

Christian Brim (00:01.134)
Lord Lord Brim is fine. Yes. Welcome to another episode of the Chris project. I am your host Christian Brim. Joining me today is Nicolette near us. Did I pronounce that correctly? Wait, yes. Excellent. Nicolette Nicolette. Welcome to the show.

Nicolette (00:19.018)
Yes.

Nicolette (00:23.957)
Thank you Christian for having me or Lord Brim or Sir Christian.

Christian Brim (00:28.47)
Yes, however you, however you prefer. I have a colleague that actually he's older than I am by a couple of years and he calls me Lord Brim. I don't know why, probably just to annoy me. There is absolutely no royal title or aristocracy in my lineage, so Lord is highly inappropriate. Nicolette, why don't you tell the listeners a little bit about yourself and your background?

Nicolette (00:57.775)
Wow. Thank you for the space Christian and for giving me this opportunity to share my story now. Let's go back to the young Nicolette, right? Growing up, seven, the origin. That's right. So seven years old or primary school, dad always told us, my sisters and I, my sister and I at the time, just two of us. And then my sister, the other one came along.

Christian Brim (01:11.586)
The Origin Story.

Nicolette (01:27.329)
few years after that to... this is his words to us. This was his words, said. Knowledge is power. And therefore I don't come from a well-off background and this is what I can give to you and this is your key to change in your life. And so I stuck to that belief and been an A student, Valedictorian, got the A's, got the...

the status, so I brought that kind of thinking into my adulthood as well. And every time I did very well on something, I would be rewarded. And that began my whole, me tying my self-worth to the accomplishments that I have attained or the accolades. And I thought it was good because whatever it is that I set my mind into, I would be able to attain them.

Christian Brim (02:17.696)
Mm-hmm.

Nicolette (02:27.287)
And I could control those kind of outcomes when I was studying. But then in real life, it's obviously it's not that. So 17, I left home, went to pursue university studies and then started working at a very young age. I joined the corporate world at 19. Started climbing the corporate ladder and I am a planner.

was a planner, still am, but in a wiser, the sense that I wanted to achieve all of this, check those boxes by 30. So I tried planning my relationship, my career at the time. I knew that I wanted to get into business, but I didn't know how. So fast forward at 26, I met my then husband and we got

got together I thought like you know this is and I'll be all. Two years after that everything came crumbling down we decided to go in our separate ways and I was at the height of my career as well and so get this I was an A student so I thought that the love department wasn't for me. So I focused heart and soul into working and then COVID happened things started to fall apart again in that working department.

that work department. And that began my journey of unlearning everything that I've learned before, especially tying my self-worth to somebody or things, external validation. And then in 2023, because COVID happened and that forced me to sit with myself, that's the first time I had sit with myself.

Christian Brim (04:10.38)
Mm-hmm.

Nicolette (04:22.459)
since I left home so all the time I was with somebody and now COVID forced me to do that and I had to unlearn everything that I had learned before in the sense that you know every passing moment was just like that for me but during COVID I think it did on me as it did on all of us

I was trying to go as deep as I could to every single music, for example, that I listened to and put myself in that position. So I was trying to feel the depth of everything, every art that I could get my hands on, movies, anything, every picture that I see, just trying to find fragments of myself in those pieces because

Christian Brim (05:18.349)
Mm-hmm.

Nicolette (05:19.281)
the Nicolette that I thought I knew or I sort of curated it was no longer resonating with the Nicolette that is emerging but I don't know what it was at the time. Who is Nicolette going to be? And fast forward, here I am right now. 200 plus episodes speaking with people across the world and

Christian Brim (05:33.71)
Mm-hmm.

Nicolette (05:46.249)
doing my own business, kind of forced into it because I got laid off last year. But I feel that it is the universe saying to me, okay, Nicolette, you have a bigger purpose than just, you know, because you were, I was playing safe. I have to admit, I was playing safe. And I've always had this thought because Tonya Robbins has been my self-help guru since I was in my 20s. So I've always wanted that to be speaking in front of people. I just don't know why or how, but influencing people.

So here I am, one step at a time.

Christian Brim (06:21.166)
There's there's a lot of things I was thinking as you were sharing that and thank you I I You I don't know that you said this in what you just described but before we started recording you said that you were an accountant and I When I started in my accounting career I started with Deloitte I had this manager and He yeah, and and he had

Nicolette (06:45.956)
Ooh, that was with EY.

Christian Brim (06:51.15)
spreadsheet where he I mean it was insane the the depth that he tracked yes go ahead

Nicolette (06:59.453)
Can I interject?

I tried to project my financial up until I was 80, Christian, like, and with simulation, everything, the model.

Christian Brim (07:10.296)
Well, yeah, no, his whole thing was he had his, he, yeah, he had his re he had his retirement planned out and like his, financial budget down to like his kids, friends, birthday gifts, like the gifts. Yeah. Like, mean, minutia upon minutia. And I don't know how much time he put into this and constantly updating it. And at the time.

I thought it odd. Now I kind of understand it better, but it is that control aspect. And I think a lot of people that gravitate to numbers and accountancy, like the predictability of like one plus one equals two.

So, you know, it's always two, it's not sometimes three, and it's not ever five. you know, they like that black and white predictability. And, but, you know, to your point, there are some things in life that are not predictable. I made the comment last week, and I'm sure it's not novel, but it seemed novel to me, was that there are no straight lines in nature.

Like only mankind can think in terms of straight lines You know, are we make straight streets we make straight walls we make you know, everything's straight But if you go out and look in creation, there's nothing straight and and That's by design like that, you know, we we think as as entrepreneurs Okay

Nicolette (08:43.218)
Yeah.

Christian Brim (08:54.314)
I have this plan. This is where I'm going to go and this is the plan and these are the steps and this is how it's going to happen. It never happens that way. But yet we persist in trying to predict and control what that path looks like. I don't know. And you know as I'm sitting here thinking about it like I still do that. We still do annual plans. We still do quarterly plans. We still have

But you, know, what's not baked into that model is what you don't know. And what's gonna happen that you have no control over? Like COVID, like, you know, that's not on anybody's bingo card.

Nicolette (09:29.682)
Yes.

Nicolette (09:34.022)
That is right. That's right.

that such as being laid off. Like I...

Christian Brim (09:41.56)
Correct.

Nicolette (09:44.794)
Never in a million years I would actually see myself as somebody who's going to be let go off. And when that happened, it was like, you know, like I was like a deer in the headlights, like, is this really happening? But you know, deep down that intuition, that feeling that you know this is not right for you anymore. I kind of had that feeling at least a year before that. That's why I started venturing.

the accountant me kicked in and say, okay, you need an exit plan, need plan B, plan C, plan D. But when that actually happened, still you'll get that shock. But having that, you know, a degree of you being prepared will help. But there are also people who unfortunately do not have that cushion, right? They're just, and especially in the States where I'm at now, I'm in Malaysia, Southeast Asia.

Christian Brim (10:22.094)
Mm-hmm.

Nicolette (10:43.17)
I only knew that it is possible to dismiss people within 24 hours notice and you at least for us, they give us like a month's notice unless it's based on misconduct, then yeah, it's 24 hours. So I think just to echo the journey

that I have been on. It's about a delicate dance between planning for something but at the same time letting go and trusting the process. And it's so hard to do. I can tell you right now it's hard. It's not easy. Because I like to control and we all, we all creatures of control. But we don't know what we don't know. And now I'm getting...

Christian Brim (11:41.901)
No, think, no, I think I want to dive into your marriage if you'll allow, I want to set this premise before I ask the question. I was having cocktails with my colleague who is a, has a doctorate in psychology.

Nicolette (11:42.37)
a bit spiritual here.

Nicolette (11:50.894)
Yes.

Nicolette (11:57.298)
Mm-hmm.

Christian Brim (12:11.384)
had a business, had a very successful exit, and this is his second mountain. He became a doctor in psychology. And he's a therapist. And we were talking about marriage specifically, and he said, you know, we are attracted to the

our partner.

looking to fill something inside of us, but we're not aware of it. We're not aware that that's what we're wanting from that person. And of course that other person is looking for something from you, right? And it's kind of like two broken people are looking for that missing piece and they come to each other, but neither of them are conscious of that that's what's going on.

Nicolette (13:12.292)
Yes.

Christian Brim (13:13.088)
So I have a lot of men on this show and so I'm interested from a female's perspective about what that looks like when the marriage doesn't work. So if you will, of tell me what that marriage, know, a brief marriage, what was that like? What was that divorce like?

Kind of open-ended.

Nicolette (13:44.817)
So I remember praying. So in 2014, I just had broken off my relationship with a long distance boyfriend. And so 2015, I was by myself. It was okay, me being single. So yay, hurrah, go out. And then I kind of got tired with that going out, seeing people. I wanted to, I wanted to commit.

Christian Brim (14:13.102)
Mm-hmm.

Nicolette (14:14.448)
So I remember praying to God and saying this, the next man that I'm going to meet is the one I'll marry.

Christian Brim (14:27.084)
You put that on God? Wow. Okay.

Nicolette (14:30.832)
I know right Christian so

Christian Brim (14:37.112)
That's an ultimatum.

Nicolette (14:38.064)
I know, oh yeah, oh yeah, and I take it, I take it to heart and I'm an extremist in a sense. And though they were red flags, friends came up to me, my parents did too, they said, are you sure, Nick? Because my friends would have thought that at least Nick would be the last one to get married in our circle, but I was the first. And your face is like, oh my God, she is.

So I did and mind you the the axe we clicked just like that it was like the when we when we first connected it's like my god this is what I was searching for

But it's now in hindsight, in retrospect, it was now a marriage dissolving is not, is often because of both of them. It's not just one person, I believe in most, at least 90%. Okay. Because it takes two to tango. So with him, he had just gotten off from a very bad toxic relationship and he was searching.

and he found me and I thought that I saw the potential in him and get this I actually said to myself because he was really attached he got attached too fast I said this to myself it's better for someone to love me more than I love them

Christian Brim (16:18.19)
Hmm.

Nicolette (16:21.312)
Again, I know you're gonna judge me, Kristen. Go ahead.

Christian Brim (16:21.775)
Mm-hmm. I'm not judging. No, no, no, no, not at all.

Nicolette (16:26.57)
And

Christian Brim (16:28.334)
Well, but I think it I think it speaks to what I kind of laid down as the premise here is that we're looking for something from that person, but we don't know what it is and I I you know, I've been married 32 years and I I we had We had some friends that were Indian that there they had been married a very long time when we first met them and they had had

Nicolette (16:38.166)
Exactly.

Christian Brim (16:57.6)
an arranged marriage in India before they moved to the United States and had only met each other on the day of their marriage. And as a young person, I said that, you know, that's very strange. But what I've realized having lived marriage for 32 years is that how you start is largely irrelevant.

It's it's the process of experiencing life together and and Living that experience that that develops the marriage it's it's it's it's kind of like you end up in the same space if and and and That that's one of two things you you end up living Separate lives

You know, if there's kids involved, that usually manifests after the kids leave home and you choose to continue to stay together and you basically live separate lives. There's some connection there, but it's not the way it was at the beginning. Or you choose to live into that relationship and it be beyond

the, the, the, the, there's a synergy to it where the, the sum of the parts is equal, is greater than the individual parts. I think that requires, however, the individuals to know themselves and know what they want out of that relationship. it can't, it can't be about

fixing the other person. Because you can't fix anybody. And I'm curious your opinion on this. I have two adult daughters, neither of which are married. But, you know, I see this mindset in them and in a lot of other women, my wife included.

Christian Brim (19:25.219)
Like, I can fix this. Like, I can work with this. It's not exactly what I want, but there's potential there.

Nicolette (19:33.931)
Because we're nurturers, Christian. We're meant to mold a kid. It's entrusted to us. So when we see somebody, automatically we gravitate towards them and looking towards their good side. Whatever that's showing right now that is not that good, we can fix that. Time will tell. But almost, if not all of the time, that will burn us.

Christian Brim (19:35.185)
Mmm, I see.

Yes. Right.

Christian Brim (19:57.188)
Mm-hmm.

Christian Brim (20:04.259)
Yeah, because you can't.

Nicolette (20:04.597)
Because like you said, cannot, yeah, you cannot fix anybody and you cannot change a person until that person wants to change himself.

Christian Brim (20:14.327)
And I think that there is a lot of that change that occurs. Like I'm not the same person that I was when I first was married and my wife is not the same person that she was. And that's neither good nor bad. It's just, you we're not the same. I feel like my wife has changed me in some ways for the better. There are also things that I could look at her and say, well,

If I weren't married to you, I would be different this way. Well, okay. That may or may not be true, but it's, largely irrelevant because I'm choosing to stay with her. Right. Like, and, and that's, I think part of it is, is acknowledging that the marriage, the, the, the bond there, what that is, is, is greater than yourself.

And I think a lot of people go into it thinking that, you know, they say their vows and they're like, you know, for better or for worse, blah, blah, blah. It's not about me, but when the rubber meets the road and it's, it's your ego involved. it can, it can very easily not be, it becomes about you. Like, I mean, like I, I'm not getting what I want. he's not doing what he should be doing. yeah.

Nicolette (21:41.032)
Expectations.

Christian Brim (21:42.125)
Exactly.

Nicolette (21:44.461)
Yes, so I want to add a bit to that. think for me, in my case, specifically now having done the diving into why dissecting, you know, the deep post-mortem type of thing on the on what caused the divorce. It was amicable separation, but the ultimatum was again me having the ultimatum, right?

first time met him okay ultimatum this is the one I'm gonna marry despite all this the second ultimatum was if there is infidelity I'm out

Nicolette (22:29.046)
So that's what happened, there was, but I cannot blame it all on the other person because I too played a part in that. How?

He didn't, you know, men really keep this to themselves, but they actually feel a lot as well and largely.

Christian Brim (22:48.015)
tell anybody.

Nicolette (22:52.203)
Up.

Christian Brim (22:52.473)
secret.

Nicolette (22:56.843)
He said, no, I lost my train of thought. A man feels a lot, okay? But they just, just this. So for him, I think he saw me changed from the time that we were dating, I was this fun person. And then after that, I had this expectation towards him and he was not meeting them and I was just nagging him.

Christian Brim (23:02.927)
Sorry.

Nicolette (23:26.668)
And so naturally he gravitated towards other people who would give that safe space for him to you know because he's also struggling. I was 26 at the time and he was 24 so pretty you know pretty young and we yeah we didn't we didn't we actually knew each other for about three months and then he proposed and then so it was like

Christian Brim (23:47.085)
Young,

Nicolette (23:57.067)
Boom! we didn't... We got married a year... So that was... We met 2015, 2016 was, you know, the year of us getting to know each other, but that also largely preparing for the wedding. Both at his side and my side had two receptions and then 2017 was the wedding. Yeah. So... That... We didn't really...

know each other that well. But like you said, how we met doesn't matter. It does to a certain degree, but how we go through sort of the first set of challenge is this. How do we go through that? So for me, I had this headstrong, well, I'm yeah, I'm kind of stubborn in a way, black and white, that if this happens,

I gotta cut my losses and leave. And I did that but now I'm here. There is still this thing where I don't, I grieve over that loss but my heart is now full and understanding that I did what I had to do at the time.

what I knew best and that was just operating from ABCDEF and not and and disregarding all the nuances that come with it especially in a marriage in a relationship and mind you this this my the ex actually he tried coming back

So yeah, I mean, there's no way you can just cut off like that, right? But for two years, he asked for my advice on applying for a job at one of the big fours and asked my advice on how to approach a girl. And I would... It was like one year, I think a few months after that. And so...

Nicolette (26:24.039)
I think I was trying to be the cool ex-wife that said it's okay, it's fine. is so judging me right now.

Christian Brim (26:33.249)
I'm not judging you. I'm judging him. Like that, that's, that's like, that is so immature and selfish that you would think that you could approach your ex wife with that question about Mer, about, about relationship advice. mean, like what, what the hell are you thinking, dude?

Nicolette (26:54.951)
And it was fresh like, think four months in, yeah, four months after we.

Christian Brim (27:00.951)
Yeah, yeah, like I Yeah, no, I'm definitely judging him I mean I and I understand and I appreciate the fact that you looked at yourself as You know, like okay. How did I contribute to this? Because it would be very easy for you to say well look he cheated on me. That's it that you know, I don't I don't I'm the wronged person here and you were

Nicolette (27:07.102)
Yeah

Christian Brim (27:30.232)
I think that, but you can make a choice in that to say, okay, what can I learn from that? And I give you kudos for examining how you contributed to the marriage failure because it's way too easy in relationships. Entrepreneurs

that would never behave that way with their business as a victim, will play the victim in their marriage or relationships by blaming others rather than looking at themselves. it's, so in my example, my wife and I went through a very traumatic time.

five years ago. And my wife at the time had undiagnosed but I think she would agree that she was clinically depressed and she had a reason to be like I'm not, you know, but but my perspective was that I don't know how to help her. Like, I I'm trying to get her to go to counseling, I'm trying to be supportive, but it

I, she's, she's not seeing it. She's in the midst of it. And so from my perspective, it was, I'm trying to help her, but, but I was trying to help her is the same thing as I'm trying to change her, you know, and, and, and I was playing the victim, because it was like, well, I can't do anything about her. Like I can't, I can't, I can't help her. She's beyond help, blah, blah.

That's a victim mentality. And I slipped into it and didn't realize it. Because at the end of the day, I am not a victim. I have control and agency over myself, my actions. And at the end of the day, I'm the only one that I can control. So, regardless of whether I can help her, I can help myself.

Nicolette (29:53.063)
And when you said that you're trying to help her because number one you it would make you feel better that you actually help her had you know if she had gone to those session and number two it would kind of suit your don't take me the wrong way like these ego that okay I am now doing something to

Christian Brim (30:15.407)
Sure.

Nicolette (30:20.963)
appease the situation and I'm still in control. Ha! Again, that could... Yes.

Christian Brim (30:25.795)
Right. But the reality was she was grieving. She was grieving her mother. She was grieving her sister. And no one can wave a magic wand and makes that go away. And what hubris to think that I could fix that situation. But the reality was that she had to go through that and experience that and feel those feelings.

not to get this all about me, but like I had a trauma in my childhood where my default was, well, if someone doesn't, if someone's unhappy, it's my job to fix it. Right. And so she was in the depths of I'm not happy. And I'm like, I got to fix it.

Nicolette (31:14.663)
you

Nicolette (31:20.615)
Because I'm a very significant under and this is my job.

Christian Brim (31:21.517)
Yeah, I can't fix that.

Christian Brim (31:27.523)
You can go through it with someone. That's ultimately, you know, when you have someone that's experiencing guilt, I mean, not guilt, grief, that's all you can do is go through it with them. You can't fix it. You can't make it go away.

Nicolette (31:45.361)
You cannot rush anything. You cannot rush the process. You cannot rush her or him. Now it's our job as the person who is, I don't know, I'm taking the subject of a caregiver here. You're the one next to your wife, right? Or your significant other for you to regulate your own emotions. And now how do you do that? Right?

Christian Brim (31:45.793)
No. No.

Christian Brim (32:07.171)
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Nicolette (32:12.952)
Like not making it about you and having that energetic, I don't know, boundaries that says, okay, she feels that way and it is apt for her to feel that way. How does that make me feel now? Am I affected because I'm not doing anything? And again, it ties back to your self-worth, right? Am I worthy of a husband if I cannot help my wife get through this tough period right now?

Christian Brim (32:14.713)
Yes.

Christian Brim (32:40.249)
Well, yeah, and in my mind, you know, like she she'd also just gone through her own battle with breast cancer and and had a double mastectomy and reconstruction. So she it was it was true. Right. And it was traumatic all the way around. But what I I had to learn was that my feelings were not

Nicolette (32:57.946)
Her identity was lost.

Christian Brim (33:10.607)
Tied to her feelings. I mean it's hard it's hard when you live with somebody and you share a life with them like it's hard not to Ride that wave of like if they're up you're up. You're you know, But but it you know me getting to the point was of simply saying Okay, you you you're sad. You're mad whatever and that's okay. I don't I don't have to participate like

Nicolette (33:20.261)
yeah.

Nicolette (33:23.718)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Christian Brim (33:41.059)
It's not that I'm not empathetic. It's not that I don't care. It's like, but I don't have to be sad because you're sad and I don't have to be upset because you're upset.

Nicolette (33:44.166)
Mm-hmm.

Nicolette (33:52.006)
And also the second role that we have to do, think, is telling them in a way that is graceful that, okay, I'm not tying my feelings towards however you're feeling today and them seeing it from your perspective, because when they're in the thick of it, they wouldn't understand like, you're supposed to be with me through this.

Christian Brim (34:18.253)
Yeah, you're supposed to support me on this, right? Yeah. And it's like, I, right. No, but, but, but, but see, for me, was, it was like, this is how I'm supporting you. I'm keeping myself sane. Right? Like I, and, and this didn't happen overnight. This is a couple of years that we worked through this. So like I had to learn a lot about myself so that I could

Nicolette (34:21.459)
Yes, yes, yes. No, just turn your back on me. Yeah.

Nicolette (34:33.376)
Yeah, exactly.

Christian Brim (34:46.244)
healthy, healthfully, help her like the way I was helping her was not really helping her at all.

Nicolette (34:59.481)
You're helping yourself because only then you'll be able to help her.

Christian Brim (35:02.319)
Correct. And I think, you know, my business coach, when I hired him, he came to me accidentally. I say tongue in cheek. But I didn't directly hire him, right? He came along with a consultant that I had hired. And God put him in my life. There's no question about that.

Nicolette (35:21.838)
Okay.

Nicolette (35:25.817)
The stars aligned for you, Christian. Exactly. Exactly.

Christian Brim (35:31.119)
The first six months we spent talking about my marriage. We didn't talk about business. And the most profound question he asked me was, what do you want?

And I'm like, can I ask that? I didn't, I mean, this is a marriage is supposed to be about self sacrifice. And, know, love is sacrificial love is right. And all of that's true. But, you know, I'd never once, it was taboo, like what I want, but, the reality was, was that I was still acting out of ego, which is what I want. Right? Like, but I wasn't honest with myself and to say, okay,

And because I wasn't allowing myself to ask that question of what I want, I wasn't being genuine about it, right? So just to sit with that for a few minutes or a few days or a few weeks and like, okay, what do I want? What do I need? What do I need from my wife? What would I want from my wife? And vice versa. Like, what does she need from me? Because at the end of the day, if you can't communicate it,

If you don't, if you're not clear on it, like how can, how in the hell can they give it to you? Right.

Christian Brim (36:53.359)
I don't even know what I want. How can you give it to me?

Nicolette (36:54.616)
Wow.

Nicolette (36:58.422)
Exactly. Because especially when you've already spent at least a decade or two decades with that person, the lines between two individuals become blurred.

Christian Brim (37:15.193)
very much so.

Nicolette (37:17.986)
Yes. And whatever that he or she wants, the other person to a certain degree has to oblige willingly and unwillingly. You know, I mean, depending on the communication, like how, you know, how the bond is, you know, how strong they are and okay, understanding, does she really mean this? It's really mean. Does it really mean that? And, you know, adapting to that. But

We must never forget that we are whole before we come together. And that was my issue, at least for me.

Christian Brim (37:57.07)
No, think you're right. I can remember this is when I was a teenager, I dated this girl for a couple of years. And one of my friends made the comment, she said, maybe you two need to grow up individually before you grow together.

Nicolette (38:06.147)
Mm.

Christian Brim (38:26.191)
I don't even know what that means. And looking back on it, I'm like, that was profound from another teenager, right? Yeah, yeah, no. mean, that is profound. And not that you can't. Like, we got married when we were 23. We didn't know anything. And then we immediately had kids.

Nicolette (38:26.955)
Ooh, that was...

Nicolette (38:36.023)
at the time.

Christian Brim (38:54.455)
We didn't have the opportunity to grow up ourselves, right? Individually. and, and so, you know, you have kids and you're both focused on being parents and raising children. And there, there is that bond, that commonality there, that purpose. And then you get to, you know, where we were, where our last child left home coincidental to all these other things. And.

You we we had to grow up individually at You know 50

Nicolette (39:28.376)
No.

Christian Brim (39:31.607)
Right? Right? But you're going to have to grow up. You're going to have to figure this shit out. Whether you do it at 15 or 50, it's got to happen. But a lot of people, and I have a lot of entrepreneurial colleagues who have failed marriages. And you know.

Nicolette (39:33.343)
It's full circle, right? It's like...

Christian Brim (39:57.314)
rather than choose to grow up, they've just moved on. I don't remember the name, I think it was, no, it wasn't modern English. I don't remember the name of the band. But the song quote is, you can run all your life and not go anywhere. And that's what I see a lot of people do.

Nicolette (40:24.579)
Because you're going to keep attracting the people that has the same wound as you do. Or the cycle is just going to repeat itself. Yeah.

Christian Brim (40:31.087)
Mm-hmm a complementary. Yeah, and and and entrepreneurs also use their business in the same way like you know this colleague I was mentioning he said I'm convinced this is him speaking. said I'm convinced that Because of the the emotional attachment issues that entrepreneurs have when they're young they start a business so that they can control those variables and

and they don't even know it. like, so it becomes this coping mechanism, right? And it's just, it's just a, it's, it's a recipe for disaster because they control the variables, they think, and therefore they don't ever have to grow up. They don't ever have to deal with, okay, what are, what are those things that, you know, you felt like you didn't have any control over? You know, what, what, what,

deal with those emotions, deal with that shit, rather than playing house over here and controlling all those variables.

Nicolette (41:39.116)
You see, it manifests not just in your relationship, but also manifests in all other aspects of your life. if you don't work on yourself, whoever is listening to this right now, trust me, there are things that they're going to pop up and bite you in your, excuse my language, after that.

Christian Brim (41:40.941)
Yes, 100%.

Christian Brim (41:59.47)
Yes, yes, that's not pleasant. No, I mean, you know, I, I would not, I would not wish that experience that my wife and I went through on anybody. I would not voluntarily raise my hand and say, let's go do that again. However, it has set the stage for the rest of our, marriage and our life together.

Nicolette (42:04.524)
Hahaha!

Christian Brim (42:29.871)
that we couldn't do any other way. there's no, you know, there's no way through it. can't, someone can't open up your head and pour all that into your brain. It doesn't work that way, right? And so I'm thankful.

Nicolette (42:44.907)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But I'm curious to know though. I'm curious to know though, Christian. So, I mean, you got married when you were 23. I think my mom and dad, 30. My dad's 30 at the time and my mom was 23 as well. But the generation's different, right? And you have two adult kids right now. I'm curious, what is their take on the whole thing?

Christian Brim (43:08.079)
Mm-hmm.

Christian Brim (43:14.519)
On marriage?

Nicolette (43:17.653)
Yeah, on relationship. I mean, must have seen you both.

Christian Brim (43:20.055)
Well, and to a large extent, I think, especially the last five years as they're coming into adulthood, it was like, well, I don't want that. That looked like a lot of fun, right? And not really thinking about it in terms of what it was like when they were kids. I think both of them.

Nicolette (43:36.373)
Hey.

Christian Brim (43:48.676)
both of my daughters want marriage and I think will enter into marriage at some point. I think there's a tendency and I don't know if this is just the way God designed it, but like when we got married, you know, I look at the pictures of our wedding and I'm like, those two people didn't know shit. Like they had no clue, right?

But as you get older, it's almost like it's harder to overlook those things, right? Like to say, and just keep having your expectation be higher and higher. you know, and that's my worry for my daughters. My son, he's basically,

Like I need to get my shit together and before I can write, can't, I can't provide for somebody. can't provide for myself yet the way I want. Therefore I can't provide for someone else. So it's a different mindset, you know, male, female for sure. but I think he would, I think he would want to be married. I mean, the conversations I've had with him, I think he, you he talks about having kids and so, yeah, I think all three of them.

Nicolette (44:55.188)
That provider mindset,

Christian Brim (45:17.999)
I think there is a generational difference for sure. Younger people are not getting married as much or as young as they used to. And I think there are a lot of potential factors in that. But that's another, yes, 100%. Nick.

Nicolette (45:35.91)
That's another podcast of its own.

Christian Brim (45:42.201)
How do people, I feel like we could go on for hours. Maybe you could have me on your show and we can talk some more. Okay, well, I would love to be a guest. How do people find you if they want to learn more about your work and working with you?

Nicolette (45:47.026)
Yes.

I would want that is my offer. Yeah, I would love to invite you on my show.

Nicolette (46:01.719)
Okay. Well, everything is at www.thenicnyarasholistic.com. There's a W in front of the H, holisticlifestyle.com. So everything is under my media appearances, my testimonials, my podcasts, and my digital guides and products and how to work with me as well. I'm also available on all social media.

Christian Brim (46:24.719)
We will have those links in the show notes so you don't have to figure out how to spell Nick's last name. If you'd like listeners if you'd like what you heard, please rate the podcast, share the podcast, subscribe to the podcast. And until next time, remember you are not alone.

Nicolette (46:47.935)
Thank you.